


seasonal depression

by damedanbo



Category: Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: Character Death, Death, Ghosts, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, OR IS IT, pre-Tri no 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damedanbo/pseuds/damedanbo
Summary: He was home alone, on Christmas eve, no girlfriend, no friends, not even any parents to mooch sympathy off of.“My life’s a joke,” Tai groaned, pressing his forehead to the refrigerator door and sliding down to the ground.





	seasonal depression

The winter after Yamato died, Tai started seeing him again.

At first it was just glimpses, and he thought for sure he was going crazy. A clash of blond hair in the grey-white of the city, out of the corner of his eye. The sound of a harmonica somewhere near, not too far, heavy on the cold air. Hints of Matt, the sound of his laugh, the smell of his shampoo; little things that made it seem like he was still kind of there.

He didn’t tell anyone. No one else would have gotten it.

Besides that, everyone was doing their best at moving on. The group wasn’t really the same after Matt died- a little too painful, a little awkward- so they had, more or less, disbanded. Sometimes Tai would get phone calls, or see his friends in passing, but that seemed to be the extent of their current relationships. 

Only Kari was close enough to Tai those days to notice that something was off. She and Takeru still hung out, inside school and out, but they were the outliers of the group, as always. 

Although, come to think of it, Mimi and Sora still got together too. And Izzy and Jou too. Maybe it was actually just him they were avoiding. Maybe they all still hung out together, the lot of them, but didn’t invite him.

But why would they do that? It wasn’t like he had changed at all, since Matt had kicked it. Sure, he missed his friend, but it wasn’t like he was going to make it weird or anything. 

Alright, maybe he had kind of lost it during the funeral. It had just been so hard back then; the wound was so fresh, and Matt had looked so tired.  Tai hadn’t been able to keep himself under control that day, and things had just been  _ awkward  _ since then.

In December, the gang actually got back together. Mimi called Jou, Izzy, and Sora, who called Kari, who called Takeru and told Tai. They were to meet up for karaoke, the seven of them. And god, it was weird, thinking of the group as just seven.

Kari went ahead with Takeru that night, the two of them linking arms like a couple. Taichi followed at a distance, grinning to himself, his hot breath puffing out in front of him. The sky above was dark, twinkling with stars and shining lights and flying snow, and the moon hung huge and pale over Tokyo.

He lost track of Kari and TK staring up at the sky, and quickened his pace to catch up. He was pretty sure the karaoke place was on the next street, so he turned the corner,

Coming face to face with Matt.

He wasn’t dressed for the weather at all; a light, loose, short sleeved shirt and slacks, hands in his pockets. Still, he didn’t seem cold at all as he stood there in the snowbank, snowflakes catching on his golden hair.

Tai was dumbfounded. Being presented with such a clear visage of his friend, he was unable to access his grief and instead plastered a big smile on his face, stepping forward with his arms out. “Hey, man, get over here! I thought you were dead!”

Matt didn’t quite answer, but laughed, shaking and lowering his head. Tai stopped in front of him, waiting for the other boy to join the hug, grinning ear to ear. “Where’ve you been?”

Matt lifted his head and looked like he might say something, but Kari’s voice called out and cut him off. 

“Tai, hurry, it’s down here! We’re gonna be late, come on!”

“In a second!” Tai hollered back, head turned to look her way, “Matt is-”

He turned back and Matt was gone. Disappeared like a puff of smoke into the chilly night air, not even his footprints left behind.

Huh.

There was still no way for him to process the encounter. Tai turned, stuffing his gloved hands in his coat pockets, and jogged across the street the other way towards Kari.

“What took you so long?” Kari asked. “What are you grinning about?”

Tai shook his head, trying and struggling to wipe the smirk off his face as they entered the establishment. TK was waiting inside, getting the room number that the others were in. The three of them headed down the hall, past door after door, scanning the numbers for their room. Tai’s mind was whirling the whole way, spinning with possibilities. 

His friend was back!

“Hey guys!” Kari cried, throwing open the door. They were met with a cacophony of cheers and greetings from the rest of the Digidestined, already seated around the room.

“Tai!” Sora called, waving to him, and Tai waved back, still giddy and lightheaded. “How are you, I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Great!” Tai said, shrugging his coat off and plopping down between Sora and Izzy. “I just saw Matt!”

To say that the room fell quiet would be an understatement. No one had started singing yet; there wasn’t even background music to drown out the silence. Mimi blinked at Tai; Jou sat with his mouth hanging open. Izzy tapped his chin, one eyebrow raised.

“I see. You saw someone who looked like Matt, and mistook them for him.”

“That happens to me a lot,” Sora said. Mimi nodded, leaning over her girlfriend to smile at Tai.

“Why, just yesterday I was at the mall, buying presents, and I thought I saw Matt at the food court! I waved to him but when I got closer, it was someone else entirely!” Mimi laughed, and Sora echoed her. Izzy nodded. The rest of the gang looked concerned.

“No, I mean, I actually saw Matt. He was wearing his summer uniform, and I tried to get him to talk to me but he just vanished!”

Kari laughed nervously, glancing at Takeru. He hadn’t moved a muscle. “Hey, big brother, now’s not really time for one of your famous jokes!”

“I’m not joking, Kari, I know what I saw.”

“Maybe it’s like Izzy said, and you just saw someone who looked like him!”

“In a summer uniform? In this weather?”

“Hey, there are some weirdos out there,” Sora offered, voice strained, smile a little forced.

“I know what I saw, okay? I know my best friend’s face!”

Dead silence again, and Jou broke it this time. 

“Stop it,” the older boy said, not looking up from his lap. His hands were curled into fists on his knees. “I know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything man, I’m saying that I saw Matt! You should be glad he’s not dea-”

“Stop it!” Jou yelled, lunging across space between them and grabbing Tai by the front of his shirt. “You think this is funny? Is this some kind of game to you?  You like messing with people’s feelings like this?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, man, let go of me!”

“This is just like at the funeral! “Matt’s not dead, Matt’s not dead!” Did you ever stop to think what that kind of thing does to us? To Takeru?!”

Tai glanced at Matt’s little brother. The boy stared downwards distantly, eyes blank, hands still halfway done removing his coat. He looked completely frozen in time.

“Hey, TK, I don’t mean any offense…” Tai began carefully. “I mean, I swear, I saw him. Your brother is alive, buddy-”

Jou drew his fist back to deck him, but Takeru spoke before he could.

“Maybe you should go home, Tai,” TK murmured. Everyone looked over at him, relief flickering over their faces. Someone had finally said it. Tai blanched.

“You can’t be serious! I’ve barely seen you guys since last summer and now you’re gonna kick me out?”

“If you can’t be empathetic of Takeru’s pain, maybe you  _ should  _ leave!” Sora said, hands balled up in her skirt. She looked on the verge of angry tears. Tai glanced past her at Mimi, who huffed and looked away- then to his other size, at Izzy, who bit his lip and looked down.

“Fine. I know when I’m not wanted. You guys have fun without me, okay?” Tai stood, snatching up his coat, and brushed past TK towards the door. He swung it open, pausing at the sound of Izzy’s voice.

“Tai…” The brunette looked back at his younger friend, unable to contain the grin spreading over his face. “If you need someone to talk to about this, I can recommend a counselor. Sometimes it really helps to get your feelings out there-”

Tai didn’t hear the rest as he slammed the door and stormed down the hall.

 

He returned home alone, fighting against the mounting blizzard, trying not to worry about Kari. TK would surely walk her home, even if it meant bumping into Tai at their family’s apartment. He fumed the whole way there, walking quickly enough to work up a sweat, even as snow dusted his hair white and clung to his forehead.

Stupid friends. He was just trying to share some good news with them. Why were they so against the thought of Matt being alive? Hadn’t they seen weirder things as kids? A friend coming back to life was hardly the craziest thing they’d ever run into.

He entered the dark, silent apartment and slipped his boots off, tossing his coat and scarf at a hook to dry. “Mom? Dad? I’m home!” he called, feeling his way through the low light until he found the light switch in the kitchen. There was no note on the fridge, but there was a note on the calendar- company party.

That meant he was home alone, on Christmas eve, no girlfriend, no friends, not even any parents to mooch sympathy off of.

“My life’s a joke,” Tai groaned, pressing his forehead to the refrigerator door and sliding down to the ground.

He found Agumon and Gatomon curled up in bed together, sharing a pillow and huddling for warmth. Not wanting to wake them, he flipped off the lights and headed out to the balcony, shivering a bit in the cold. He was starting to come down from his angry high, and the sweat he’d worked up speed walking home cooled steadily on his skin.

He leaned against the railing despite the chill in his bones, looking out over the snow blanketed city with a sigh. Flurries danced around his head in the brisk wind, making him duck his head and shiver.

A little laugh nearby caught his attention, and Tai turned to scowl at the nosy neighbor on their balcony- but he could only stare, surprised and happy beyond belief to see Matt on the next balcony over.

“Matt! Is it seriously you, or am I hallucinating? Or are you someone else who LOOKS like Matt? Or is this a dream, or do I have a fever, or are you really-”

Matt chuckled again, shaking his head. “Right. Too many questions. Dude, where have you been? Do you know how much I- we missed you?”

By way of answer, Matt hopped up on the balcony rail. “Woah, hey, careful,” Tai warned, “that’s a long drop. You’ll break your neck!”

Neck…. He glanced at Matt’s throat, but it was too dark to see anything. “What are you doing?” Tai started to ask, just as Matt leapt forward. “Whoa, hey-!”

The blond landed perfectly on the slipper rail, arms out for balance. Tai laughed breathlessly, sweeping his hair back with his hand. “Scared me there,” he admitted. “Are you gonna come down here, or…”

Matt coiled up to leap again, and Tai could only brace himself before the blond threw himself into his arms. There was no weight behind the action; despite kicking off the railing and throwing himself half a meter at Tai, there had been no impact between them. Matt weighed nothing, felt like nothing. It was like he wasn’t there at all; just a breath of air in Tai’s arms, no temperature, no pressure behind his hug.

“Are you really dead?” Tai asked, placing his hands carefully on Yamato’s lower back. His old friend didn’t answer.

It was completely unbelievable. He could see Matt, clear as day. He wasn’t see-through or half invisible or floating off the ground, but Tai couldn’t feel him at all.

“Hey,” Tai started, as Matt lifted his arms and slung them around his neck, pulling him into a closer embrace. Tai saw their chests press together, pressed forward and watched Matt be pushed back, but he still couldn’t feel him.

“You’re not really here, are you,” he surmised, sadly.

Matt lifted his head off Tai’s shoulder and cocked it, as if considering the question. He opened his mouth, and Tai could almost hear a “well,” coming.

“Wait,” Tai said, before Matt could speak. “I don’t care. I  _ missed  _ you.”

He threw himself into the hug again, hoping Matt could feel him squeezing. If the other boy’s frantic tapping on his shoulder was any indication, he could.

“Don’t complain,” Tai warned, “I’ve earned this much.” Matt laughed in his ear, and Tai felt his hair rustle where his cold breath touched him.

After a long while, he let Matt go and backed up a step to look at him. He looked exactly as he had last summer: hair a little shaggy, skin lightly freckled, summer uniform fresh and clean, tie loose around his neck. He wasn’t wearing any shoes.

“I tried to tell everyone that I saw you,” Tai said, gazing into Matt’s pale blue eyes, barely noticing when the blond lifted his hands and cupped Tai’s cheeks. “They didn’t believe me. They all think you’re gone forever.” He glanced sideways at Matt’s wrist, where the scar was. He could see it through the dim light of the upper city; thick and jagged, dark on Matt’s arm. Matt tapped his cheek to draw Tai’s attention back to him. The brunette grinned lopsidedly at him.

“Everyone’s gonna be so happy to see you again Matt! Especially TK. It really hit him hard, when you…” Another short, uneasy glance at the scar on Matt’s wrist, then a flicker of the eyes to the blond’s throat. He could almost see it. “Matt, did you really… I mean… Did you..?”

Matt looked away, smile fading fast. Tai grabbed onto his shoulders, just in case he tried to disappear again. “Whoa, hey- it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me- we don’t have to talk about it! We can just… be together.”

The blond lifted his head, smiling shyly, but genuinely at him. Tai laughed, eyes closed to hold back the tears that had been threatening to break through, letting Matt pull him close again. “Hey, if you want a hug, all you really have to do is a-”

The kiss came as a surprise to Tai. He opened his eyes to find Matt close, long, dark lashes fluttering. If this had happened last Christmas, last December 24, when the Digidestined went out for fried chicken and karaoke as an Eight, he would have pushed Matt off and made a big joke out of it. Matt would have been embarrassed and mad, but neither of them would have told anyone, not until later, in private. But now, in this moment, Tai was struggling to think up a single joke; he could only picture Matt pressed against him as he was, arms around his neck, those scarred wrists dangling, lips soft and smooth and a little wet, and it thrilled him to finally feel Matt now. Tai’s legs felt weak and he struggled to keep his eyes open, leaning into the kiss despite his instincts to run or shove or joke it away; he leaned against Matt, feeling him solid against his chest, and held him tight in his arms, and his shirt felt so cold and so  _ real  _ under his fingertips. Matt moved almost imperceptibly, tilting his head just a fraction of a millimeter to the right, and their lips met at a different angle, and despite the coldness of the rest of him, Matt’s lips felt so warm and raw. Real. Tai clung tightly to his white shirt, just in case, just in case he disappeared, so that maybe this time, if it happened again, Matt would take Tai with him, wherever he was going. He’d kissed Sora two years ago during summer break, and she’d slapped him and almost cried, and then he had cried a few hours later in the safety of his room, hurting for a reason he couldn’t put his finger on; perhaps the inability to feel anything but friendly towards her. But this was so much more than friendly, so much more than friends, something he didn’t have a word for anymore, but it was Matt, and he was there. Tai opened his eyes just to check.

He was still there.

When Matt let him go, Tai gasped in a lungful of air, finding he’d stopped breathing at some point during their kiss. His face was hot and red, but the rest of him was so cold. He panted, kickstarting his lungs again, still clinging to Matt’s shirt as Matt unlooped his arms from behind Tai’s neck and slid his hands down onto his chest. Tai grabbed Matt’s right hand, squeezing it in his own, and grinned cheekily at him.

Matt opened his mouth and started to speak, but halted suddenly, looking behind Tai. In his peripheral, Tai caught the faraway light of the kitchen flicking on.

“Tai? Are you home?” called Kari’s voice from across the apartment. Tai whipped his head around, then back again to face Matt, who was pulling away.

“W-wait! Wait, you don’t have to go! It’s just Kari, Matt, you don’t have to leave! Please, don’t leave me again, Matt! I can’t take it man! You’ve got to stay here with me!” His eyes felt hot, wet, and he blinked rapidly, trying to force his tears to disappear. Matt jerked away, yanking his hand out of Tai’s grasp. On the surface, he seemed angry, but Tai could see the hurt in his eyes, a silent kind of sorrow.

“Do you really have to go?” he asked, voice catching. “What if I never see you again?”

Matt’s face fell for real, and he closed his eyes, jaw clenched. Tai caught him as he threw himself forward, into another kiss, too quick, too short. Something hot hit his cheek and Tai’s eyes flickered open to find Yamato crying into the kiss, eyes squeezed tightly shut. Tears dribbled down around his mouth, making their kiss cold and wet, and Tai sobbed, sniffling loudly. His nose was running. 

“Tai, are you in here?” Kari called from the doorway to their bedroom. Tai could hear Agumon shifting and waking up on the bed. Their time was dwindling. Matt pulled away again and Tai whined, grabbing at his forearms as the blond slid them out of his grasp. The bedroom light clicked on, and Matt leapt backwards onto the balcony railing, his back to the street.

“Please, don’t,” Tai whispered, as he jumped back, sailing through the air a few feet and then disappearing beyond the view of the balcony. He couldn’t bring himself to look over the edge to see that Matt had really gone. 

“Tai? What are you doing out here?” Kari stood in the open doorway to the bedroom, hand on the sliding door. She started at him as he turned. Tai’s socks were soaked through from the slush on their balcony, and his face was splotchy and beet red from crying, streaked with tears and snot. His bare arms were  _ red  _ from the cold, and he only now noticed he was shivering, hard. “What happened to you? What’s wrong?” Kari asked, rushing forward and grabbing his hands to pull him back inside. Agumon and Gatomon leapt off the bed and swarmed him, asking questions and rattling off their concerns as he laid down on Kari’s bunk. He couldn’t bring himself to look past his little sister at the balcony. If Matt wasn’t there…. Worse, if he was…

“Should I call mom?” he heard Kari ask as Agumon dragged the blankets over the top of him. He couldn’t respond. He curled in on himself and wept.

 

Sora started at the name on her cell screen for a long while before she answered. “Hi, Tai,” she said, catching him off guard.

“Sora! I thought you were gonna let me go to voicemail.”

“Nope.”

“Listen, about last night, I just-”

“It’s okay, Tai. No one’s mad at you.”

“R...really?”

“I mean.. Jou’s got a stick up his butt, but when doesn’t he? You just caught everyone off guard last night. I mean… it’s okay to talk about Matt now, right? We all miss him. It’s okay to say so.”

“Right.” Tai looked down at his sock-clad feet, shifting the phone in his hand. “Yeah.”

“You guys were really close,” Sora said, sounding far away and wistful.

“He was one of my best friends,” Tai murmured.

“I know,” Sora said, softly. The line went silent for a moment. “Hey, I’m actually on my way to meet the gang, but…”

“Oh! No, I get it. I’ll let you go.”

“You should come with us!”

Tai opened and closed his mouth, trying to formulate a response. “I don’t know if I can,” he decided. 

“It’s okay. Just don’t be a stranger, okay? To any of us. We all miss you too.”

Tai bit back a smile, wiping his eyes with his free hand. “I miss you guys too.”

“Let’s all do something for New Year’s, okay? All seven of us.”

“Yeah,” Tai said, grinning despite himself. New Year’s… It was closer than he thought. “I think I’ll come along after all. I’ll see you in a minute.”

“See you!”

He hung up, and sat staring at his phone in his hand for a while, still smiling. Eventually, he opened up the contacts list. It was full of names: his soccer team, his family, the other Digidestined. Of the latter, there were seven names.  He scrolled down towards the bottom, to Yamato and tapped on the entry. 

“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” he asked the empty room, and hit delete.

**Author's Note:**

> It's always kind of embarrassing and nerve wracking to post for a new fandom! Be gentle with me, it's my first Digimon fic ever, I think, even though I've been a fan for almost two decades!
> 
> Anyway, I was nervous to post this and kept putting it off, but my friends told me it was worth a post. I'll be working on more Digimon stuff in the future, so keep an eye out.


End file.
